Sexuality After Purity Culture: Healing, Intimacy, and Embracing Your Body
You did everything “the right way”. So why do you feel so awkward, dirty, or confused?
For many people who grew up in purity culture, sexuality was framed as something to completely avoid until marriage. Stay vertical. Leave room for Jesus. Messages about “saving yourself,” “staying pure,” and “waiting until marriage to have sex” often came with heavy shame and fear. While some were able to follow those teachings, others struggled under the weight of guilt and secrecy. Developmentally typical experiences with masturbation or other sexual self-pleasure can result in years of lingering guilt.
But even for couples who waited until marriage to have sex, entering into sexual intimacy can bring unexpected challenges. From newlywed concerns like performance anxiety and embarrassment, to long-term issues around desire and embodiment, it’s common to feel disoriented. You may even experience an identity shift… after years of identifying as a virgin, suddenly that part of you is gone. This gift from God that you couldn’t help but put up on a pedestal isn’t exactly how you pictured it.
This post is for anyone navigating sexuality after purity culture, especially if you are struggling with sexual issues that stem from the messages you were given about your body, desire, and worth.
The Lingering Impact of Purity Culture
Purity culture taught many of us that sexuality was dangerous outside of marriage, but gave us little preparation for what happens after the wedding day. Common struggles include:
Shame or embarrassment about sexual desire, nudity, or masturbation.
Sexual dysfunction or pain (such as vaginismus, erectile dysfunction, or low arousal) linked to anxiety.
Difficulty shifting identity from “virgin” to “sexual being” after marriage.
Pressure to perform sexually on the honeymoon, rather than taking time to explore and learn together.
These challenges are not personal failures. They are the natural outcomes of a system that treated sex as a switch to flip “on” at marriage, without fully acknowledging all of the emotional, physical, and relational skills needed for intimacy. Your brain and your body are trying to adjust to all the rules instantaneously being flipped upside down and inside out.
Newlywed Concerns: Why Sex May Feel Complicated at First
It’s common for newlyweds who waited until marriage to experience disappointment or confusion. You may feel:
That sex is awkward or mechanical instead of natural and organic, like in movies.
That one partner wants more intimacy than the other.
Embarrassment about your body, movements, or your lack of experience.
Fear that something is wrong with you because you aren’t instantly passionate.
This doesn’t mean your marriage is broken. It means you’re learning something new together, and it’s okay for that process to take time. This is a brand new adventure for you as a couple.
Healing Shame and Embodying Desire
The most powerful step in reclaiming sexuality after purity culture is reframing your relationship with your body. Instead of seeing desire as dangerous, you can begin to see it as a natural, beautiful part of being human.
Here are some practices that can help:
Name the shame: Journaling, therapy, or support groups can help you identify purity culture messages that no longer serve you.
Practice embodiment: Mindfulness, dance, yoga, or gentle self-touch can reconnect you to your body without pressure.
Communicate openly with your partner: Share your fears, your hopes, and your curiosities. This vulnerability can build intimacy. You might even discover that you share some of the same fantasies.
Seek resources: Books, podcasts, or working with a sex-positive therapist can help you grow your sexual confidence. Check out The Bad Girls Bible if you’re ready to take a deep dive. If you just want to dip your toes in with a resource from a Christian perspective, check out The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire.
Beyond Virginity: Navigating Identity Shift
One of the most confusing parts of sexuality after purity culture is the identity shift from “virgin” to “sexually active.” Virginity is often treated as a moral category in purity culture, but in reality, sexuality is not a status… it’s part of your humanity.
As you let go of the label of “pure” or “waiting,” you can embrace a deeper truth: you are still whole, worthy, and good. Your sexual experiences do not define your value. You are still the same person.
Moving Forward
If you are struggling with sexual issues after waiting until marriage, you are not alone. Many couples discover that the promises of purity culture did not prepare them for real intimacy. By facing shame with compassion, practicing embodiment, and allowing your identity to expand, you can cultivate a healthy and joyful sex life.
If the ideas of purity culture are no longer relevant or no longer serve you, talk therapy may help you reclaim your body, your desires, and your freedom to love.
Deconstruction Counseling
Note from Morgan Piercy, LPC, NCC, ACT-PT: At Deconstruction Counseling, I work with individuals and couples who grew up in rigid faith communities and are trying to navigate what values feel most authentic to them today. Contact me here if you are interested in working with me!