Breaking Free from Codependency: Steps to Reclaim Your Identity

Codependency often develops when self-worth and identity become tied to meeting others’ needs. While it may feel difficult to break these patterns, recovery is so possible. By using evidence-based strategies, including Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills, you can reclaim your independence, set healthy boundaries, and rediscover your authentic self.

Breaking free from people-pleasing behaviors means setting healthy boundaries for overcoming codependency and actively taking small, consistent steps to reclaim your identity after codependency. Let’s unpack this more…

Understanding Codependency

Codependency is characterized by excessive reliance on others for approval, identity, or self-esteem. Common signs include difficulty saying no, fear of rejection, people-pleasing behaviors, and neglecting your own needs. These patterns often fuel relationship anxiety, fear of abandonment, and difficulty maintaining healthy partnerships.

Breaking free requires self-awareness, boundary-setting, and practicing self-validation instead of seeking constant reassurance. This can be easier said than done, though, if you are coping with relationship anxiety and fear of abandonment.

DBT Skills Tutorial for Overcoming Codependency

If you’re wondering wow to stop being codependent in relationships, check out these quick DBT skills for codependency recovery.

1. Mindfulness: Observing Emotions

• Tutorial: When you feel the urge to prioritize someone else’s needs at the expense of your own, pause and name the emotion you’re experiencing (e.g., guilt, fear).

• Why it Works: Labeling emotions reduces impulsivity and creates space for intentional choices (Linehan, 2015).

2. Distress Tolerance: Radical Acceptance

Many folks end up in therapy because their go-to way of coping with distressing or anxious thoughts is to push them down or trying to ignore them. If you were sitting in my office I would ask, “How well is that working out for you?”. Trying not to think about it doesn’t work. If I were to tell you, “whatever you do, don’t think of a pink elephant”… what happens? You just thought about it. That’s about as effective as you brain will be when you are trying not just not think about that thing you’re worrying about.

• Tutorial: Practice accepting the discomfort that comes with setting boundaries. For example, when you say no, remind yourself: “It’s okay to tolerate their disappointment.”

• Why it Works: Radical acceptance helps you move through distress without reverting to codependent behaviors (Neacsiu et al., 2014).

3. Emotion Regulation: Opposite Action

• Tutorial: If you feel compelled to text or call excessively, practice the opposite action: engage in a self-care activity for 20 minutes before responding.

• Why it Works: Acting opposite to urges disrupts habitual codependent cycles (Chapman, Gratz, & Tull, 2011).

4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: FAST Skill

• Tutorial: FAST reminds you to:

  • Fair: Be fair to yourself and others

  • Apologies: Avoid unnecessary apologies

  • Stick to values

  • Truthful: Don’t exaggerate or minimize needs

• Why it Works: FAST supports assertiveness while protecting self-respect (Swales & Heard, 2009).

Practical Steps to Reclaim Your Identity

1. Create Personal Goals: Write down three goals that reflect your values, not others’ expectations.

2. Limit Reassurance-Seeking: Before asking for validation, try journaling or self-affirmations. It may be unreasonable to expect yourself to not ever need reassurance, but you could start with delaying the reassurance-seeking by a few hours.

3. Strengthen Boundaries: Start with small “no’s” and gradually move toward bigger ones.

4. Reconnect with Hobbies: Rediscover passions that make you feel alive and independent. What did you dream about as a child?

5. Build a Support Network: Lean on trusted friends or therapy rather than one person for all emotional needs.

Deconstruction Counseling

Healing from codependency takes time and support, but it is possible to reclaim your independence and build balanced, fulfilling relationships. If you’re ready to take the first step, reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Morgan Piercy, LPC, NCC, ACT-PT.

References

• Chapman, A. L., Gratz, K. L., & Tull, M. T. (2011). Mechanisms of change in dialectical behavior therapy: Theoretical and empirical observations. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 67(5), 421–429. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20776

• Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

• Neacsiu, A. D., Bohus, M., & Linehan, M. M. (2014). Dialectical behavior therapy: An intervention for emotion dysregulation. In J. J. Gross (Ed.), Handbook of Emotion Regulation (2nd ed., pp. 491–507). Guilford Press.

• Swales, M. A., & Heard, H. L. (2009). Dialectical behaviour therapy: Distinctive features. Routledge.

• Aldao, A., Nolen-Hoeksema, S., & Schweizer, S. (2010). Emotion-regulation strategies across psychopathology: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(2), 217–237. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2009.11.004

• Gratz, K. L., & Roemer, L. (2004). Multidimensional assessment of emotion regulation and dysregulation: Development, factor structure, and initial validation of the Difficulties in Emotion Regulation Scale. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 26(1), 41–54. https://doi.org/10.1023/B:JOBA.0000007455.08539.94