What Is DARVO? How to Spot This Manipulation Tactic
When it comes to mental health and mental wellness, knowledge is power. One of the most common tactics used in narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships is a psychological manipulation strategy called DARVO. Understanding DARVO can help you break free from cycles of gaslighting, heal from childhood trauma with a narcissistic parent, or strengthen your self-advocacy skills in your current relationship.
What Does DARVO Mean?
DARVO is an acronym that stands for:
Deny: The abuser denies their bad behavior ever happened.
Attack: They attack the victim’s credibility or character.
Reverse Victim and Offender: They paint themselves as the “real” victim, flipping the script to avoid accountability.
This powerful defense mechanism is often used in narcissistic abuse, domestic violence, toxic family systems, and even workplace bullying. It leaves survivors questioning their reality, wondering if they are overreacting, blaming themselves, regretting bringing it up, and often silencing themselves to “keep the peace.”
Examples of DARVO in Action
In Narcissistic Parenting: A child brings up painful memories of emotional neglect, and the parent responds: “That never happened (Deny). You’re so ungrateful and dramatic (Attack). I did my best and you’re hurting me by accusing me (Reverse Victim and Offender).”
In Romantic Relationships: A partner confronts their spouse about cheating. The response: “You’re making this up (Deny). You’re paranoid and controlling (Attack). I can’t believe you don’t trust me after everything I’ve done for you (Reverse Victim and Offender).”
In Toxic Workplaces: An employee reports harassment. The supervisor says: “That’s not true (Deny). You’re just trying to ruin my career (Attack). Now I feel like I’m being unfairly targeted and my reputation is going to suffer (Reverse Victim and Offender).”
These patterns are not accidents; they’re deliberate strategies to maintain control, avoid accountability, and silence the survivor.
How DARVO Impacts Mental Health
Being on the receiving end of DARVO often leads to:
Gaslighting-induced self-doubt
Increased anxiety and depression
Feelings of guilt and shame
Learned helplessness in toxic relationships
For survivors of childhood trauma with a narcissistic parent, DARVO can become so normalized that you doubt your own perceptions well into adulthood. This can stunt personal, social, and even professional growth because of the devastating effects to one’s self-esteem. Breaking free requires both awareness and practical skills for self-advocacy.
Self-Advocacy Skills to Protect Your Mental Wellness
Spotting DARVO is the first step, but learning how to respond is where the real empowerment come in. Here are self-advocacy strategies to use when faced with DARVO:
Name the Pattern: Silently or out loud, recognize what’s happening. (“This is DARVO.”) Naming the tactic gives you clarity. Take this moment to validate yourself.
Hold Your Ground: Instead of defending yourself against the attack, return to the original issue. (“This conversation is about what happened, not about my character.”) Stay on topic and don’t let the personal attacks distract you from the issue at hand.
Use Boundaries: Set limits on engagement. (“I will not continue this conversation if you call me names.”)
Seek Support: Talk with a therapist or trusted friend who understands narcissistic abuse and gaslighting. Validation is essential. A mutual acquaintance may feel the need to “play devil’s advocate”, so look for someone neutral and outside the narcissist’s sphere of influence.
Affirm Your Reality: Journal your experiences or use grounding techniques to reconnect with your truth. If you feel the need to keep documentation of what was said for your own sanity, there’s a solid chance you’re being gaslit.
Reclaiming Power After DARVO
If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you may have heard DARVO responses your entire life. If you’re in a toxic relationship, you may notice the same cycle repeating. Recognizing DARVO doesn’t mean you can stop the other person from using it, but it does mean you can stop internalizing the shame and confusion it creates.
Your voice matters. Your story matters. And your healing journey matters. Building mental health resilience, practicing self-advocacy, and surrounding yourself with supportive people can help you reclaim your power and step out of cycles of manipulation.
Deconstruction Counseling
Note from Morgan Piercy, LPC, NCC, ACT-PT: I love helping people heal from narcissistic abuse, whether it be from clergy abuse, an unhealthy romantic relationship, or a parent. You are the author of your own story, and you deserve to have full autonomy in your life! Contact me today to start your healing journey!