Why I Don’t Call It “Church Hurt”
I know it’s a common phrase. And overall, I should be glad it’s getting the publicity it deserves. However, as you’ll see on my website, I put the phrase “Church Hurt” in quotes. Every. Single. Time. That is 100% intentional. Here’s my rationale:
When people step away from toxic religious spaces (i.e. some rigid, conservative evangelical Christian communities like Westboro Baptist Church, among many other denominations and groups), the term “church hurt” often gets thrown around. But let’s be clear… what many of us went through wasn’t just hurt feelings. It was religious trauma, spiritual abuse, and psychological damage caused by systems of intolerance, fear-based indoctrination, and Christian nationalism. Calling it “church hurt” minimizes the reality of the pain from negative church experiences, and the wounds that faith communities can cause.
Why “Church Hurt” Doesn’t Go Far Enough
The phrase “church hurt” makes it sound like a bad breakup or a personal misunderstanding. In reality, many exvangelicals, former Christians, and survivors of fundamentalist churches carry long-lasting trauma. This trauma doesn’t come from one single event; it comes from repeated exposure to fire and brimstone preaching, threats of hell, shaming around sexuality, sexism, homophobia, and racism… all justified in the name of God.
That’s not hurt. That’s psychological abuse.
Naming Religious Trauma for What It Is
Many people who choose to identify as exvangelical, deconstruct their Christian faith, or leave Christianity behind struggle with nightmares, guilt, and anxiety for years later. They were told:
Your natural curiosity is sinful.
You are sinning by having a thought.
Your LGBTQ+ friends will spend eternity experiencing eternal, conscious torment.. and it’s for the best. It’ called divine justice.
Women should submit and stay silent.
America must be ruled under dominion theology and Christian nationalism.
You can’t trust yourself, including what your nervous system and your body is trying to tell you.
You are inherently sinful. That is your default state of existing.
Not to mention the gaslighting regarding the lack of racial diversity in many denominations!
When we call this “church hurt,” we erase the systemic harm that impacts people’s mental health, relationships, and sense of identity.
The Psychological Impact of Spiritual Abuse
Harm caused by faith communities can look like:
Complex PTSD symptoms: hypervigilance, flashbacks, dissociation.
Low self-esteem from being told you’re “broken”, “unworthy”, or even “worthless” (Romans 3:10-12, I’m looking at you!)
Fear of hell or eternal punishment even long after leaving the faith.
Difficulty trusting others and feeling safe in relationships because authority figures once used behavioral, informational, thought, or emotional control (for more information, be sure to check out Dr. Steven Hassan’s work!).
This isn’t just a spiritual disagreement. It’s psychological wounding. And it deserves space in the therapy room.
Why Words Matter
By refusing to call it “church hurt,” we reclaim power. Words like religious trauma, spiritual abuse, and indoctrination validate the severity of what survivors experienced. They also help connect people to trauma-informed therapy, exvangelical support groups, evidence-based treatments for mental health concerns, and safe communities where healing can begin.
Moving Toward Healing
If you’re processing the fallout of leaving evangelical Christianity, know that you’re not alone. Healing often begins by:
Naming the abuse as abuse. If abuse feels too accusatory (because let’s be real and step back for a second, not all of the spiritual pain inflicted was intentional. There are many pastors, leaders, and mentors who have no malicious intent whatsoever) then name the trauma as trauma. Trauma is how your nervous system interprets what happened, and it is always valid.
Finding safe community with exvangelicals, ex-Christians, progressive Christians, mainline Christians, another faith community, another religion, or simply other people with religion-related emotional pain. People who leave an unhealthy faith community can ultimately land in so many different spiritual spaces. This is the most empowering part of your deconstruction journey… you get to decide what role spirituality plays in your life from now on!
Working with a trauma-informed therapist who understands spiritual abuse recovery.
Rejecting toxic teachings rooted in sexism, homophobia, racism, and fascism.
Learning that your worth as a human being was never up for debate in the first place.
Final Thoughts
I don’t call it “church hurt” because that phrase silences the truth: coercion within faith settings is real, manipulation in religious settings leaves invisible scars, and intolerance disguised as faith damages society. Survivors deserve recognition, validation, and the freedom to heal without their loved ones minimizing their experience.
Deconstruction Counseling FAQ
What is religious trauma and how is it different from “church hurt”?
Religious trauma refers to the lasting psychological harm caused by spiritual abuse, indoctrination, or controlling church environments. “Church hurt” often minimizes this experience, framing it as a minor conflict rather than systemic harm. This is a widespread issue in our culture, and it’s time to call a spade a spade.
What does it mean to be exvangelical?
Exvangelical is a term for people who have left evangelical Christianity and often speak out against misuse of religious authority, Christian nationalism, sexism, racism, homophobia, and dominion theology.
How does Christian nationalism cause harm?
Christian nationalism merges political power with religious authority, often justifying intolerance, racism, sexism, and homophobia in the name of “Christian values”. Survivors of religious trauma frequently identify this as a source of ongoing harm. Doctrines such as Seven Mountain Mandate leaves no room whatsoever for other people in society to express their First Amendment right to the freedom of religious expression. The First Amendment is for everyone, not just Christians.
What are signs of spiritual abuse?
Spiritual abuse can include fear-based preaching about hell, pressure to conform, shame around sexuality, silencing women, condemning LGBTQ+ people, or using scripture to control behavior and limit freedom. My favorite resource for this is the BITE model, created by Dr. Steven Hassan. It stands for Behavioral control, Informational control, Thought control, and Emotional control. You can access more resources at freedomofmind.com. I am not associated with Dr. Hassan in any way, I just love his work!