Facing Your Fear of Abandonment

Written By Morgan Piercy

Fear of abandonment can feel overwhelming, often leaving individuals caught in patterns of relationship anxiety, codependency, and emotional distress. Whether you find yourself needing constant reassurance from partners or fearing rejection in friendships, learning to manage abandonment fears is possible. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills offer practical, evidence-based strategies to help you regulate emotions, improve communication, and develop healthier relationships. Dialectical behavior therapy for relationship insecurity may help fill in the gaps in your current set of coping skills.

Understanding Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment is not just about being physically left behind… it often manifests as a deep emotional concern that loved ones will withdraw their affection, attention, or support. This fear is closely tied to relationship anxiety, fear of rejection, and codependency behaviors, such as people-pleasing or excessive reassurance-seeking. Over time, these patterns can harm both your mental health and your relationships. Check out these DBT skills for relationship anxiety:

DBT Skills Tutorial for Coping with Abandonment Anxiety

1. Mindfulness: Observing Without Judgment

  • Tutorial: When feelings of panic or insecurity arise, pause and notice your thoughts. Say to yourself: “I’m having the thought that they will leave me.” This practice helps separate feelings from facts.

  • Why it Works: Mindfulness reduces reactivity by grounding you in the present moment rather than spiraling into imagined scenarios (Linehan, 2015).

  • Check out these mindfulness strategies for abandonment fears .

2. Distress Tolerance: TIPP Skill

  • Tutorial: TIPP stands for Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, and Progressive Relaxation. For example, splash cold water on your face, do 20 jumping jacks, then focus on slow exhalations.

  • Why it Works: These techniques activate the parasympathetic nervous system, calming overwhelming emotional responses (Neacsiu et al., 2014).

Dialectical behavior Therapy (DBT), explained in an infographic. Temperature, diver reflex, tense and relax muscles

TIPP, the Dialectical Behavior Therapy skill, explained. Lower your temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, progressive muscle relaxation.

3. Emotion Regulation: Opposite Action

  • Tutorial: If your instinct is to call or text repeatedly when you feel abandoned, practice doing the opposite: wait 15 minutes and engage in a self-soothing activity, like journaling or listening to music.

  • Why it Works: Acting opposite to anxious urges helps weaken the grip of codependent patterns (Chapman, Gratz, & Tull, 2011).

4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: DEAR MAN Skill

  • Tutorial: When you want to express needs without overwhelming others, use DEAR MAN:

    • Describe the situation objectively

    • Express your feelings

    • Assert your needs clearly

    • Reinforce positive outcomes

    • Mindful of your goals

    • Appear confident

    • Negotiate if needed

  • Why it Works: This structured communication reduces anxiety while fostering mutual respect (Swales & Heard, 2009).

Practical Tips for Coping with Codependency

Here’s some simple tips for overcoming codependency:

  1. Set Small Boundaries: Practice saying “no” to minor requests to build confidence in larger boundaries.

  2. Schedule Alone Time: Spend intentional time by yourself doing activities you enjoy.

  3. Challenge Reassurance-Seeking: Before reaching out, ask: “Can I reassure myself right now instead?”

  4. Build a Support Network: Rely on multiple connections rather than one partner for all emotional needs.

These steps help reduce dependency and build emotional resilience.

Next Steps

Are you trying to figure out how to cope with the fear of rejection in relationships? Facing your fear of abandonment is scary. Working with a compassionate therapist can help you strengthen your emotional resilience and build healthier connections. If you are ready to take the next step, reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Morgan Piercy, LPC, NCC, ACT-PT.

References

  • Chapman, A. L., Gratz, K. L., & Tull, M. T. (2011). Mechanisms of change in dialectical behavior therapy: Theoretical and empirical observations. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 67(5), 421–429. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20776

  • Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

  • Neacsiu, A. D., Bohus, M., & Linehan, M. M. (2014). Dialectical behavior therapy: An intervention for emotion dysregulation. In J. J. Gross (Ed.), Handbook of Emotion Regulation (2nd ed., pp. 491–507). Guilford Press.

  • Swales, M. A., & Heard, H. L. (2009). Dialectical behaviour therapy: Distinctive features. Routledge.

  • Bornovalova, M. A., & Daughters, S. B. (2007). How does dialectical behavior therapy facilitate treatment retention among individuals with substance use disorders? Clinical Psychology Review, 27(8), 923–943. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2007.01.001

  • Rizvi, S. L., & Steffel, L. M. (2014). Emotion regulation strategies for anger in borderline personality disorder: Experience of dialectical behavior therapy skills training. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 21(4), 458–469. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cbpra.2013.09.003

  • Valentine, S. E., Bankoff, S. M., Poulin, R. M., Reidler, E. B., & Pantalone, D. W. (2015). The use of dialectical behavior therapy skills training as stand-alone treatment: A systematic review of the treatment outcome literature.Journal of Clinical Psychology, 71(1), 1–20. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22114

  • Aldao, A., Nolen-Hoeksema, S., & Schweizer, S. (2010). Emotion-regulation strategies across psychopathology: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(2), 217–237. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2009.11.004

  • Gratz, K. L., & Roemer, L. (2004). Multidimensional assessment of emotion regulation and dysregulation: Development, factor structure, and initial validation of the Difficulties in Emotion Regulation Scale. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 26(1), 41–54. https://doi.org/10.1023/B:JOBA.0000007455.08539.94

  • Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

  • Werner, K., & Gross, J. J. (2010). Emotion regulation and psychopathology: A conceptual framework. In A. M. Kring & D. M. Sloan (Eds.), Emotion regulation and psychopathology: A transdiagnostic approach to etiology and treatment (pp. 13–37). Guilford Press.

  • Barnicot, K., & Crawford, M. (2019). Dialectical behaviour therapy: Implementation and outcomes in UK specialist services for borderline personality disorder. BJPsych Bulletin, 43(1), 42–50. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjb.2018.65

Morgan Piercy
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