Finding Yourself Again After a Painful Breakup

Written By Morgan Piercy

A painful breakup can feel like losing not just a relationship, but also your sense of identity and stability. Heartbreak often brings waves of relationship anxiety, fear of being alone, and codependent habits that are difficult to break. The good news is that healing is possible, and evidence-based tools from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can help you rediscover your strength, confidence, and joy. For those who need the TLDR, here’s a few quick tips for coping with relationship anxiety after a breakup. Or if you’re wondering how to find yourself again after heartbreak, here’s some food for thought:

Understanding the Impact of Breakups

Breakups can trigger intense emotions such as sadness, anger, guilt, and even fear of abandonment. These emotions are valid but can feel overwhelming, leaving you stuck in unhealthy cycles of rumination or longing. By learning to regulate emotions and practice self-compassion, you can begin the process of reclaiming your sense of self. Check out these quick DBT skills for breakup recovery:

DBT Skills Tutorial for Healing After a Breakup

1. Mindfulness: Radical Acceptance

  • Tutorial: Acknowledge that the relationship has ended without judgment or self-blame. Repeat to yourself: “This hurts, but I can survive this.”

  • Why it Works: Radical acceptance reduces suffering by facing reality rather than resisting it (Linehan, 2015).

2. Distress Tolerance: Self-Soothing with the Five Senses

  • Tutorial: Engage each of your senses in comforting ways. For example, listen to calming music, wrap yourself in a warm blanket, light a scented candle, taste a favorite tea, or look at nature photos.

  • Why it Works: Self-soothing provides immediate comfort when emotional pain feels unbearable (Neacsiu et al., 2014).

3. Emotion Regulation: Building Positive Experiences

  • Tutorial: Schedule enjoyable activities, even if your mood feels low. Try something new, like taking a class or joining a social group.

  • Why it Works: Positive experiences build emotional resilience and reduce vulnerability to depression (Chapman, Gratz, & Tull, 2011).

4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: GIVE Skill

  • Tutorial: When maintaining friendships or setting boundaries with your ex, use GIVE:

    • Gentle communication

    • Interested listening

    • Validate their perspective

    • Easy manner

  • Why it Works: GIVE fosters healthy, respectful interactions without sacrificing your self-worth (Swales & Heard, 2009).

Practical Tips for Reclaiming Your Identity

  1. Journal Daily: Reflect on who you are outside of the relationship. If you’re looking to overcome codependency after a painful breakup, shadow work prompts can be especially helpful.

  2. Set Personal Goals: Focus on growth-oriented goals like career, hobbies, or fitness.

  3. Reframe Codependency: Practice self-affirmations like “I am whole on my own.”

  4. Lean on a Support Network: Surround yourself with friends, family, or support groups.

  5. Limit Contact with Your Ex: Give yourself space to heal and rediscover independence.

Deconstruction Counseling

Healing after a breakup is a journey that takes time, patience, and support. If you’re struggling to rediscover yourself, working with a therapist can help you rebuild your confidence and emotional balance. If you’re looking for dialectical behavior therapy for healing from heartbreak, you’ve found the right place. Reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with Morgan Piercy, LPC, NCC, ACT-PT.

References

  • Chapman, A. L., Gratz, K. L., & Tull, M. T. (2011). Mechanisms of change in dialectical behavior therapy: Theoretical and empirical observations. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 67(5), 421–429. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.20776

  • Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

  • Neacsiu, A. D., Bohus, M., & Linehan, M. M. (2014). Dialectical behavior therapy: An intervention for emotion dysregulation. In J. J. Gross (Ed.), Handbook of Emotion Regulation (2nd ed., pp. 491–507). Guilford Press.

  • Swales, M. A., & Heard, H. L. (2009). Dialectical behaviour therapy: Distinctive features. Routledge.

  • Aldao, A., Nolen-Hoeksema, S., & Schweizer, S. (2010). Emotion-regulation strategies across psychopathology: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(2), 217–237. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2009.11.004

  • Gratz, K. L., & Roemer, L. (2004). Multidimensional assessment of emotion regulation and dysregulation: Development, factor structure, and initial validation of the Difficulties in Emotion Regulation Scale. Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment, 26(1), 41–54. https://doi.org/10.1023/B:JOBA.0000007455.08539.94

  • Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

  • Valentine, S. E., Bankoff, S. M., Poulin, R. M., Reidler, E. B., & Pantalone, D. W. (2015). The use of dialectical behavior therapy skills training as stand-alone treatment: A systematic review of the treatment outcome literature.Journal of Clinical Psychology, 71(1), 1–20. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22114

  • Rizvi, S. L., & Steffel, L. M. (2014). Emotion regulation strategies for anger in borderline personality disorder: Experience of dialectical behavior therapy skills training. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 21(4), 458–469. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cbpra.2013.09.003

  • Werner, K., & Gross, J. J. (2010). Emotion regulation and psychopathology: A conceptual framework. In A. M. Kring & D. M. Sloan (Eds.), Emotion regulation and psychopathology: A transdiagnostic approach to etiology and treatment (pp. 13–37). Guilford Press.

  • Barnicot, K., & Crawford, M. (2019). Dialectical behaviour therapy: Implementation and outcomes in UK specialist services for borderline personality disorder. BJPsych Bulletin, 43(1), 42–50. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjb.2018.65

Morgan Piercy
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