The Favorite Person Phenomenon in BPD and Platonic Crushes
Understanding Attachment, Rejection Sensitivity, and Social Trauma
Have you ever found yourself drawn to someone in a way that feels more intense than a typical friendship, but without romantic or sexual attraction? This experience, often called a platonic crush or in some cases the “favorite person phenomenon” in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), can be confusing, overwhelming, and deeply meaningful in an unexplainable way. While it’s often associated with BPD, many people (whether they meet criteria for a mental health diagnosis or not) find themselves struggling with the intense pull of a favorite person dynamic.
What is the Favorite Person Phenomenon?
In the context of Borderline Personality Disorder, the term favorite person (often shortened to FP) refers to someone an individual feels extremely emotionally connected to. This person may quickly become the center of their world, a source of safety and stability, but also a trigger for fear, jealousy, or insecurity if the relationship feels threatened.
For people outside of BPD, the experience might look like an intense platonic crush: wanting to spend all your time with someone, craving their attention, or feeling unusually sensitive to how they respond to you. This doesn’t always mean something is wrong with you; it often speaks to attachment wounds, fear of abandonment, and sensitivity to rejection rooted in past experiences.
Pam from The Office meme, They’re the same picture. Anxiety brain, abandonment, and them taking an hour to text back.
Why Do Platonic Crushes and Favorite People Feel So Intense?
Whether you identify with BPD or not, these intense bonds often have roots in:
Attachment wounds
Early experiences of emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving, or trauma can shape how we form adult connections. If you’ve been hurt before, finding someone who feels safe may awaken a deep longing for closeness.
Rejection sensitivity
People who carry histories of bullying, social trauma, or exclusion may interpret small shifts (like a delayed text reply) as signs of rejection. This can magnify anxiety around the relationship.
Fear of abandonment
If you’ve experienced people leaving or withdrawing love in the past, even platonic friendships can stir up fears of being left behind at times. Friends get busy, get caught up in their romantic relationships, and change their schedules. This unpredictability can trigger a mini trauma response.
Social trauma
Many people who felt “different” growing up, whether due to neurodivergence, queerness, or cultural expectations, may cling to the first person who makes them feel fully seen. These experiences can turn a friendship into something that feels bigger than friendship, even when there’s no romantic or sexual component.
Signs You Might Be Experiencing a Platonic Crush or Favorite Person Dynamic
You feel a surge of joy when you get a message from them, and deep sadness if they don’t respond.
You think about them constantly, sometimes more than you’d like.
Their approval or disapproval strongly affects your self-esteem.
You fear losing them or worry they’ll replace you with someone else.
You may idealize them, seeing them as “the only one who truly understands me.”
Healthy Ways to Navigate Intense Platonic Attachments
If you find yourself in this pattern, know that you’re not alone. Here are some compassionate strategies for navigating these feelings:
Name the experience. Recognizing that you’re having a platonic crush or favorite person connection can reduce shame and increase self-awareness.
Build a wider support system. Having multiple close friends, mentors, or communities helps distribute emotional reliance.
Set Boundaries. This helps mitigate codependency.
Practice grounding skills. When anxiety about rejection or abandonment flares up, tools like journaling, mindfulness, or self-soothing can help regulate emotions.
Communicate openly. Without oversharing in a way that overwhelms the other person, expressing needs and intentions can create more balanced dynamics.
Seek therapy. Exploring attachment wounds, trauma recovery, and rejection sensitivity with a therapist can provide long-term healing.
A Compassionate Reframe
Instead of seeing your platonic crush or favorite person relationship as evidence that you are “too much,” you can reframe it as evidence of your deep capacity for connection. Humans are wired for closeness, and if your system craves extra reassurance, it’s not a character flaw. This is simply a reflection of your history and your longing to feel safe.
With patience, self-compassion, and healing, these intense relationships can shift from destabilizing patterns into opportunities for growth.