How to Protect Yourself When Someone Uses DARVO
When dealing with toxic relationships or narcissistic abuse, you may encounter a tactic called DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. This manipulative strategy is often used by people who want to avoid accountability, leaving you confused, doubting yourself, and questioning your reality. DARVO can trigger old attachment wounds and deepen the impact of trauma if you don’t have tools to recognize and respond to it.
What is DARVO?
DARVO is a form of gaslighting. The person first denies what happened, then attacks your credibility, and finally reverses the roles so that you appear to be the aggressor while they paint themselves as the victim. Over time, this pattern can erode self-trust and keep you stuck in cycles of shame and self-blame.
Clear Steps to Protect Yourself from DARVO and Gaslighting
1. Recognize the pattern
The first step is awareness. When you notice someone quickly shifting blame or twisting the truth, name what’s happening internally: “This feels like DARVO.” Recognizing the tactic helps you resist internalizing the false narrative.
2. Document the facts
Write down what happened right after the interaction. Keep a journal, texts, or emails that confirm the timeline. Documentation helps protect you from questioning your memory when gaslighting in relationships occurs.
3. Set boundaries
Boundaries are essential when dealing with toxic relationships and manipulation. This may mean limiting conversations, refusing to engage in circular arguments, or ending contact if the relationship is unsafe.
4. Use grounding techniques
DARVO can activate survival responses, making it hard to think clearly. Grounding skills like deep breathing, the 5-4-3-2-1 sensory method, or repeating affirmations (“I know my truth”) can help regulate your nervous system during conflict.
5. Lean on safe support
Isolation is a hallmark of narcissistic abuse. Protect yourself by seeking support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist who understands trauma recovery and gaslighting dynamics.
6. Reclaim your narrative
Remind yourself: the blame reversal is not your truth. You are not responsible for someone else’s refusal to take accountability. Speaking your story out loud in safe spaces helps rebuild confidence and disrupts shame.
7. Seek professional help
Therapy for betrayal trauma, attachment wounds, and narcissistic abuse can give you long-term strategies for healing and boundary-setting. Approaches like DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills and trauma-informed counseling can help you strengthen your voice and reclaim your sense of self.
Final Thoughts
DARVO is a powerful form of emotional manipulation, but it loses power when you can see it clearly. By naming the behavior, grounding yourself, and seeking support, you can protect your mental health and move forward with clarity.
If you’re struggling with gaslighting, betrayal trauma, or toxic relationship dynamics, therapy can help you rebuild safety and trust in yourself.
👉 Book an appointment today at Deconstruction Counseling, located at 119th & Blackbob in Olathe, Kansas, to begin your healing journey. Click here to get started.