Guest Blog Post: How Purity Culture Affects Men with Amy G Nash
Hi, I’m Amy! I am a trauma therapist certified in EMDR therapy who specializes in religious trauma. I've been working in this field for over 14 years. I am licensed in the state of Maryland.
How Purity Culture Affects Men
Culture is a way of life that unites customs, traditions, language, arts, and social norms. Religion, too, is a way of life, one that gives meaning and values.
The question is, if religion gives us meaning, why are so many turning away from it in disillusionment? I can’t discuss all the issues, but I can focus on one: the purity culture in religion and how it affects men. I asked several men engaged in deconstruction to share their experiences with me.
One admitted that he was so steeped in the purity culture of his church that he wasn’t even aware of how much it affected him. “I thought women were porn. I wouldn’t allow myself to be with them or even talk to them for fear I would sin.” He thought at the time that this was normal and admits that, even to this day, he is uncomfortable around women.
Another shared that he had to work hard to control his sexual desires and fight to diminish his natural attraction towards women. When he left his church, he found his numbness made it difficult to be nurturing in relationships. He likened it to having his natural firmware rewritten. He felt the church's teachings were filled with deceptions about relationships, such as just being with a woman would cause him to sin. He struggled trying to date until he realized, “All I really need is honesty, both within myself and with my partner. The church has created a make-believe world that requires a lifestyle of lying to ourselves and others to make the Bible ‘true’.”
A third said that he felt robbed of a desire that is normal and natural. He spent twenty years believing he could never, ever, look at a woman without it turning into lust. Once he left his church, his attempts to befriend women were marked with awkwardness and discomfort. “Almost every woman I’ve dated since asks if I‘m even attracted to her.”
Research shows that brainwashing has long-term effects on our worldview. Denying a natural inclination causes other problems, such as addiction to porn, OCD tendencies, or addiction to alcohol, drugs, gambling or others. Some struggle with sexual anxiety that causes them sexual dysfunction, limits their natural enjoyment of sex, or causes them to have unrealistic expectations of what sex or a relationship should look like. Purity culture doesn’t just stunt normal growth from boy to manhood; it fills men with the notion that they are the protectors of women, often resulting in an unbalanced relationship with them, so that emotional or even physical abuse is more likely to occur.
I think the worst effect of the purity culture on men is that it makes them afraid to be vulnerable. They are not trained to appreciate a woman’s gifts, but to fear her. They fail to realize they have the power to control their own emotions, that feelings do not constitute sin.
Since these are often not topics explored by groups encouraging deconstruction, when men leave their religion, they take the leadership dominance and emotional stoicism with them, unaware that they are still immersed in the purity culture dregs. For a man who is gay, bi, or questioning, this is even more confusing.
To recover from purity culture, men have to unlearn shame and learn the value of vulnerability, not an easy task for anyone. Trauma therapies that help deal with religious trauma help reconnect the body to the emotions. The issue is reducing the shame/fight/flight response.
So, in the reconstruction journey, there is a masculinity reconstruction specifically geared for men. Some of the questions to ask on this journey are:
1. Is masculinity necessary for leadership, or is it part of an individual’s personality that belongs to either gender?
2. What does it look like for me to be vulnerable?
3. How can I recognize emotions, and how can I express them safely and shamelessly?
As in many recovery circles, finding a group led by an expert will help guide and support men seeking a new way of looking at themselves and relating to others.
About Amy
Website: https://www.amygnashcounseling.com
Threads: https://www.threads.com/@trotter4711
Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/profile/206302
Email: amygnashcounseling@gmail.com